Thursday, April 17, 2014

I am Being Nice

My big brother my entire life and my wife the last 8 years both love to tell me the same phrase quite often, “Alec, be nice.” Apparently, I can easily not be and require gentle yet constant reminding to avoid this darkside.

So it is not surprising that when I describe parenthood of a newborn, my wife is less than thrilled. While I love and adore my kid and am excited about him growing up to be fantastic, right now he is a little terror ruining the peaceful ambiance of our home with loud noises. I am convinced our dogs and cat are plotting a way to “off” him when we aren’t looking. Right now, there are no smiles or laughs and playtime sounds more like the passengers stuck onboard the sinking Titanic than a good time.

So when the question is “How is it going new dad”, the biggest offenders of not sounding “like an excited new Dad” are…
1)      I may never have sex again so I don’t risk going through this again. And that’s not enough. I plan on travelling to all local high schools to tell kids that sex, while awesome, it is not worth the risk!
2)      Is it wrong to wake up to a crying baby feeling really really Pro Choice?
3)      Becoming a parent is like someone forced me to become a Turkish Prison Warden. There is a lot of crying, pain, and agony all day and night. There is solitary confinement and physical punishment with swaddles, cribs, pack’n’plays, etc. There are biochemical experimentations with numerous gripe waters, gas drops, colic meds, etc. There is harsh meal times with food that agitates the stomach, causes gaging and spit ups, hard gas, and odd bowel movements. There are a lot of involuntary and quite public activities in the nude such as diaper changes, bath time, and the butt cream ointment moments are straight out of Shawshank.

Trust me. I am working on compliments for when the kid can pick up on these things…

Pretending to be an angel, but we know the truth...

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